5. Instead of an EXPENSIVE FOOD PROCESSOR, tough it out and use a knife.

Any solid you would throw into a food processor you can chop just as fine with a chef’s knife and a bit of athleticism. You don’t know your limits until you’ve surpassed them, and you don’t know hand cramps until you’ve hand-chopped parsley for 50 portions of pistou. It builds character. And I actually mean this. It’s super-important to learn your way around a chef’s knife. When you get comfortable chopping things by hand, you’re going to get faster and more efficient at literally every other knife cut. Yeah, practice. I’m talking about practice. Not a game. But practice. Think of something inspirational a mentor once said to you, then imagine that I said it instead, and start chopping.

6. Instead of a DEEP FRYER, use a saucepot.

As someone who has successfully deep-fried ramen donuts, Dorito-crusted egg yolks, whole Chipotle burritos, and an entire ice cream cake, this is one of the few subjects that I’m truly qualified to speak on. Unless you buy a high-quality deep fryer, which might run you up to $200, they tend to be shoddily made and inaccurate. You’re better off using a deep saucepot made from a heavy material so it can distribute heat evenly. I’ve been using a cast-iron Dutch oven that I got in a two-piece set for $29.99 for the past five years and I’ve never looked back. If you so choose, you can buy a thermometer, which is likely a good idea if you’re new to frying. But I’ll cover that in the next hack.

7. Instead of a FOOD THERMOMETER, trust your instincts.

Cooking is less about times, temperatures, and measurements, and more about trust, instincts, and being a functioning person who can read visual cues. If you see oil smoking, it’s too hot; if you drop a pinch of flour in and it doesn’t sizzle, it’s too cold. If a sauce isn’t reducing, turn the heat up; if it’s scalding and boiling over, turn it down. It’s like playing free safety in the NFL—read the play and react—except it’s a lot lamer, and you go to jail when you get caught with twelve grams of marijuana. Nothing in this book is too exact, and that’s by design. I’m not a French chef who has the world’s best Pommes frites recipe timed down to the millisecond. I’m just some asshole throwing Tater Tots around and hoping I can give you some new ideas for what to do with them. As long as the oil is anywhere between 325 and 400°F, those tots are going to get crispy.

8. Instead of a GRILL…NOTHING! Instead of a grill, buy a grill, dummy.

This one is nonnegotiable; you need a grill. If you don’t already have one and money is tight, just drop your auto insurance plan for three months
and save up; what’s the worst that could happen? (Please do not do this.) There are no comparable substitutes for the charred flavor that comes with cooking things directly over fire, the way food messiah Bobby Flay intended. Both charcoal and gas have equal merits in terms of flavor and convenience, so I’ll leave that decision up to you.